This just put into words how I feel when I’m in a situation of overwhelm and can’t respond to someone!! I will have words running through my mind but just can’t get them to come out of my mouth. Usually this happens during what I now know is a “meltdown”. It’s not that I’m intending to act in a defiant or otherwise undesirable manner during these situations. I am truly just stuck trying to process what is going on and my mind is basically spinning its tires in the muck of whatever the situation is. Being pushed for a response during this only tends to make what I’m experiencing worse. If I’m asked for a response, or to make a decision quickly, or to do something no matter how simple – it will only make my brain shutdown even more. I usually don’t respond because I can’t find the words, or only a few words that aren’t even what I really want to say. It is helpful during those times if those around me could allow me time to gather myself in order to respond, and allow me to say what I need to say without interrupting. If you talk too fast or change the dialogue even a little bit, I will never get the words out that I want to say. It isn’t that they’re not in my mind to say, they just can’t make it out my mouth. Maybe remind me to breathe, because I can’t always think to do that either, which makes things more difficult.

Agony Autie was just discussing selective mutism the other day. I wrote and told her that I couldn’t understand why they call it selective, because when this happens to me, I would much rather choose to be able to speak what I’m feeling or going through.

I just always thought I was weird for not being able to get out what I wanted to say. During college, I would sign to my friends in American Sign Language when I couldn’t speak. It was easier.

So if you encounter myself or anyone else who is unable to respond to you in a stressful situation, give them the time to get to where they need to be in order to be able to respond. It may take a while. You may want to ask them create a plan with you for how you can interact with them appropriately during a time they’re not able to respond verbally, especially if this is someone you’re close to.

That’s just some thoughts I have about it. I loved how Girls Autistic Journey put it in this photo. I just wanted to elaborate a little bit on my experience.

If you’re reading this and you are also on the spectrum – What’s your experience been like? Is selective mutism something you’ve encountered before? What do you wish your friends and family knew that would help you when it happens? If you’re not on the spectrum, but know someone who is – What are some things you would like to know to support the person you know?

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #selectivemutism

Girls Autistic Journey

Happy new year! It’s my first official post of my own on the page this year. I’ve shared some stuff already that’s interesting or something I like.

I don’t have a huge post for today. As I mentioned in my previous post, I am going to be uploading something every Thursday. I don’t know why I picked Thursday, but it just seemed like a good day to upload. These posts may be long ramblings about my experience with autism or mental health, or I may post a photo with a long caption. It’s hard for me to write anything but a long caption (thanks Instagram, at least here I have the space to write my novel length posts without running out of room!)

For this post I’m including a scan of a drawing I did during college in 2008. I drew this for a youth ministry class when we were asked to depict what depression might look like for teens. I don’t know how to put a “trigger warning” on a Facebook photo, but it does depict a self harm ideation. I never personally self harmed, but I knew a student who did while I was going through my internship. I wish I had known more about how to help or guide this student at the time.

I wanted to include this picture because it’s one of my art pieces that shows the struggle many of us go through in our minds. It can be so difficult sometimes, and there’s so much that we can be struggling with.

If you’re struggling – Reach out. Find a safe person you can talk to. Ask someone to help you find resources in your area where you can get some assistance. Schedule an appointment with a mental health professional if you can. It’s OK to ask for help even if you’re a strong person. It takes a lot more strength to do that than to soldier on as if everything is just fine.

Be mindful of the people in your life who may be struggling. Reach out to them. Depression, anxiety, grief, and all sorts of other things can be such a place of isolation, whether physically or just because we’re so overwhelmed with what’s going on in our minds. Sometimes it’s hard to initiate a conversation about our mental health.

This life isn’t easy, even when you’re getting help. But it’s worth it.

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #ptl

New Years Goal Setting

Last night my therapist asked me to think about what I want the new year to look like, and to pick from an array of objects something to symbolize that. I picked a warrior wielding a sword, and a Willow Tree figure for courage, standing with its arms stretched to the sky.

I chose the warrior for several reasons. As a Christian I recognize that the things we face are part of a spiritual battle – so staying strong in the Word, in seeking God, and putting on the armor of God is part of it. Another reason is for the battlefield of the mind – learning and doing things to lessen anxiety, to choose joy, to not be controlled by my thoughts but to control them. Also, part of it is the battle to have self-control in my eating and fitness again. To work on staying active and focus on feeding my body with fuel. I’ve done it before, and when the battle of life got rough, I quit. I feel like I’m in a better position to work on that again. I’m mentally able to get my mind there now.

I chose the courage figure because doing all of this stuff is going to take courage. Stepping back out of my comfort zone is going to take courage. Continuing this Facebook page is going to take courage. I don’t know how many people are actually interested in reading about my journey of discovering how autism affects me, of my journey to greater mental and physical health, etc. I was a little disappointed that my last few posts have not received much feedback, even though more than one person has actually told me in person that they saw my posts. I want this to be a place where people can leave a reaction, or leave a comment and let me know what you think about what I said, or if you have a question. I’d love to actually respond to questions anyone might have regarding autism or my journey in general!

My goal with this page is to open up the conversation about autism and mental health, and help end the stigma.

I’m going try to post weekly on Thursday morning with a blog style post. If you’re following my posts, let me know what you’d like to see! Ask me some questions! I’d love to get some conversations going in the new year.

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder

🗣 Something to think about in this new year. 📢

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. I see a therapist, and am on medication to help control anxiety. It helps and I’m not ashamed to say it! And guess what! Having better mental health can also improve your physical health, which in turn will also improve your mental health!

God gave us a physical body that we are to take care of, but He also gave us a heart, soul, and mind. If we’re just focusing on only one or two of those things and keeping that healthy, such as only focusing on our spiritual walk and being physically active to stay physically healthy, we are doing a disservice to our Creator who made us to love Him with our *whole* being, AND we are doing a disservice to others that we are called to be in community with. We are called to love others as we love ourselves. If we loathe ourselves and our mind is full of negativity and such, how do you think our relationships with others will look? Probably not so great, right?

If you find yourself discouraged, overwhelmed, unable to just deal with the curveballs and blindsides that life has thrown at you, if you’re grieving (grief is not restricted to the actual death of a person, you can also grieve the loss of a relationship, or a sudden change of life events, etc), if you’re suicidal, if you have a situation in your life that may not be some drastic and dramatic thing but you just don’t know quite how to deal with it, if you’ve reached a crisis point in your life (this can be relative to how you experience it, not what others think), if you’ve experienced a trauma, etc.

No matter how small or large the thing is that you’re facing – reach out to someone. Contact your insurance to find a therapist in your area. Contact your regular doctor. Call the suicide hotline if you need to (1-800-273-TALK (8255) You can visit their website to chat or text them, too.) If you’re in a crisis you can text the Crisis Text Line at 741741. Go through your employers EAP program. Do whatever you need to do in order to get in touch with a professional who can walk with you through this. There are resources available. You are loved, and you are worth it.

Ping-pong.

Imagine you are sitting at a table with a large group of your family or friends. Everyone is playing ping-pong with one another. Each match uses a different colored ball. They all seem to know where the ball will go next. Sometimes groups of four or more people are involved in the same match. Some may be caught off guard every once in a while when the ball comes their way, or when they go to serve, but they regain control of the ball quickly and it goes back into play.

You are sitting there watching all of the different colored ping-pong balls fly across the table in different directions to different people intermittently. You’re not sure who you’re supposed to be passing your ping-pong ball to or from. If one comes your direction, you freeze, and it goes past you, falls off the table, or maybe smacks into you because you just plain missed it. Sometimes you get a bit of a rhythm going with someone, so you can pass the ball back and forth for a short time. But then everything goes back to the colored balls flying across the table between other people, and you’re just sitting there observing it all.

The roar of the ping-pong balls hitting racquets and bouncing across the table is deafening.

It’s hard to focus on one ball or another, and you don’t know when you’ll have a chance to serve your ball and have it returned. Most of the time your ball goes off a different direction than intended, or the other person misses it completely because of the way the ball was spinning in the air as it ricocheted off your racquet.

Many times, you see an opening to join in and serve your ball across the table, but you hesitate too long, and miss your opportunity to play. You hesitated because all you can see are all of the colored balls flying across the table all at once in a myriad of directions. You will think of how you could have joined in and the way you would have swung your racquet to serve the ball, but that will be hours after the game around the table has ended.

Granted, given the opportunity, you can actually play ping-pong decently with one or two other people, at a much smaller table. Preferably only one other person, so there’s less chance of it just becoming a match between the other two people and you not knowing when it’s your turn to serve again, like it was with the large group of players.

So you just sit there and quietly observe the chaos.

. . .

Now imagine you’re sitting around a table with your family or friends. Instead of playing ping-pong with different colored balls, they’re all talking to one another in different conversations. Everyone else can follow the conversations they’re involved in. Each one can jump in at the right time in the conversation and say the right thing to keep it going. They take full advantage of their opportunity to join in quickly, without hesitation. You hesitate because you can hear everything all at once. You will think of something you could have said to join the conversation, but this will only come hours after the conversation has ended.

You’re ok in conversation with one or two other people. When you can focus on what is being discussed. You know the structure of the conversation. Pauses are allowed. Silence is not immediately filled with someone else’s quick wit that mutes your ability to think about what you want to say next. The other person can make allowances for the processing time you need in order to articulate yourself clearly and share some of the things you’ve been thinking about as the conversation has progressed. These are things that don’t often happen with a large group of people.

So you just sit there and quietly observe the chaos.

This is what conversations in a large group are like for me as an autistic.

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #asperwoman #aspergirl #aspiewoman #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #aspie #autie #neurodiversity #autismsupport #socialanxiety #anxietydisorder #endthestigma

Spacial Sequence Synesthesia

You mean not everyone visualizes a 3-dimensional timeline in their head to comprehend years, months, days, history, etc?

Mine winds around for different things and goes different directions. The 20th century kind of follows a clock face, and zooms in around the 1960s and zooms in further around the 1980s up to now. Anything historical from 1900 and prior is entering the scene from the right and then wraps around going sequentially from right to left, with left further back in time. Anything from now into the future is going from left to right. It’s just the 1900s that wind around in a weird way, really. That’s why I’ll look at an analog clock if I’m trying to figure out years of things. That’s a visual reference for what I see in my mind.

I can also go back to something that happened in a point in time and replay it in my head both visual and auditory, sometimes after finding it in my personally experienced 3D timeline, but that’s another topic for another day.

Does anyone else do this thing with visualizing time?

Do you NOT do this? If so, how do you experience time?

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #aspergers #asperwoman #aspergirl #autismspectrumdisorder #synesthesia #spacialsequencesynesthesia #lunchtimeponderings

Both of these are quite relevant. My face and my tone of voice do not always convey what I want them to, and are usually misinterpreted by neurotypicals (those who are not autistic) for being angry when all I’m doing is trying to get my point across and usually I’m not angry at all, I’m just frustrated at not being able to wrap my head around what’s being said or how to say what I want to say. And with the second photo, usually 1, 2, and 3 are all combined into one when I’m trying to explain something that I perceive the listener not to be understanding. All of this combined and I usually have a meltdown/shutdown when I’m not understood and I am at my wits end on how to clearly communicate. Communication is difficult.

Just got the copy of “Are You OK?” by Kati Morton that I won from the sweepstakes!! (3rd prize!) 😆 {I also preordered it, so I’ll have two copies!} I first heard about Kati when I was searching for videos about autism, because she has a couple videos on it, including how it presents in women. I’ve watched a bunch of her videos on anxiety and stuff just because I’m nerdy and like to learn. The videos are intriguing, even if it’s about something that isn’t one of the things I’m struggling with, because they just help me understand what others may be going through. I’m about to smother in all the books I’ve been trying to read lately, but I’m excited to start on this one, too!

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#mentalhealthawareness #actuallyautistic #autisticadult #anxietydisorder #socialanxiety #therapysession #therapyhelps #areyouok #katimorton1 #healthymindhealthybody