Openly Autistic

I read an article about Haley Moss, an autistic woman who passed the Florida Bar. (Link to her page and the article I read are below. Go check out her stuff.) The article mentioned that she is the first “openly autistic” person to practice law in Florida.

That phrase struck me. “Openly autistic.”

As someone who did not know I was on the autism spectrum until 5 months ago, I have never lived my life as “openly autistic” before now. I have always known that I’m different. I mean, we’re all different, right? I’ve always felt weird. I know people who are not on the spectrum can be quirky and socially awkward, but there’s something about being on the spectrum that is different.

My whole life I felt like I was “pretending to be normal.” Whatever “normal” was. I could never figure it out. I remember going back to my college campus after Christmas break my freshman year and thinking, “I’m going to have to re-learn how to be social with all of the people at college again, even with my friends! Being home for the last two weeks has made me forget everything I’ve picked up on how to be social with people!”

It’s funny because people would meet me when I was a kid and talk about how mature I was, and how intelligent and stuff. I’ve always felt like I wasn’t getting what was said in the conversation, so I just listened most of the time.

I used to people watch a lot when I was out shopping. Especially growing up. I’d sit in the car and watch people in the parking lot while I listened to my cd, or while looking up from my book (because who wants to go in a store and be around random people when you have perfectly good music to listen to or a book to read?) I’d watch how they were dressed, how they carried themselves, how they interacted with others. Going to the mall has always been an adventure of sorts, because you see all the characters there. People shuffling around like peacocks, dressed up in whatever costume they wear to make themselves different from everybody else, while they all go to the same stores to buy the same things, just to look the same way so they can express their individuality. I’ve always been a jeans and t-shirt girl, myself. I never really understood the social aspects of putting on the “costume” to be around people. I still don’t, really.

I would watch tv and pay attention to how people carried on a conversation and wonder why I couldn’t be like that. But the difference between real life and tv is that the actors are acting, they’re following a script, they’re reciting lines. Real life doesn’t have a script to follow during conversation.

I’ve always tried to be “normal.” I have tried to fit in. It’s usually the social aspects that I’ve had trouble with. Some sensory stuff, too. I was encouraged by my friends in college to walk barefoot in the grass. I’m a tenderfoot. I also cannot stand having dirt or grit or little pebbles or bark stuck to my feet. It’s too much sensory input and it makes me kind of freeze and tense up. I’m sure I looked like a twitchy t-rex trying to walk through the grass. I got a pair of Vibram Five Fingers later that year (after years of longing for a pair) and solved the walking barefoot without getting anything on my feet conundrum.

I guess all of this to say that I’ve probably always appeared different, even though I’ve tried to “mask” before I knew what “masking” was. If you don’t know, it’s when an autistic person attempts to appear neurotypical, or not autistic. I can try to feign getting the joke. I can pick up on what particular facial expressions or verbiage means if I get a minute to think about it, and if I don’t, then I follow the lead of others around me and how they’re reacting to something. I can pretend I know what you just said, when all I heard was the background noise and the strange sound beyond the background noice that seems out of place but doesn’t seem to be bothering anyone else. I can walk out my door every morning wondering, “What am I doing and what would people would do if they found out how much I think I don’t know what I’m doing,” but still go do it anyway.

I can mask. I have to mask. Don’t I?

I mean, neurotypical people do it to some degree, especially an introverted one attempting to be social. I like being around people, but get exhausted being around people sometimes if all I’ve done is try to fit in and keep up. (I’m an ambivert, though, so I do have aspects of introvert and extrovert tendencies.)

But, being autistic, I should always be pretending to be neurotypical so I can fit in, right?

Since I was diagnosed autistic, I have gotten a little more brave in being “openly autistic” as I’ve learned what parts of autism affect me.

I haven’t been as afraid to ask for the music to be turned down in a restaurant, or to request seating that makes it easier to have a conversation with the person I’m with. I’ve worn my earplugs in the grocery store when I was having a day where I was easily irritated and every single noise was slowly scraping away at my last nerve and I really didn’t want to hit meltdown stage. Although I’ve become extremely self-conscious of it since learning more about autism and how some of the differences present themselves, I will force myself to not focus on how I hold my hands when I walk, which sometimes ends up with me holding my arms in the “autistic raptor hands” position. (At least if I were on a shooting range in competition, I’d be standing at ready? [random dream of mine to be able to participate in a shooting competition.] Also, holding my hands down to my sides while I walk has always seemed awkward.) I’ve started to try to consciously take my time to respond to people in conversation and just ask them what they meant if I didn’t understand them. I’ve left a building for a few minutes to stand in the cold air outside when I’ve become overwhelmed by the crowd, temperature, and noise level inside the building, and I’m trying to avoid a meltdown.

I am still being social. I am still being me. I can still do my work. I can still do the everyday things that I do.

But now I can allow myself to be free to not worry about appearing “normal.”

To “take the mask off.”

To ask for assistance when I need it.

To move myself physically away from a situation that past experience tells me tends to lead to a meltdown.

Now I can be free to explain why I’ve acted in a certain way (though there are things I’ve been working on, I can at least recognize things now, and explain the why behind my actions, even if it’s something I’d rather not do, like have a meltdown.)

To share with others that some of my greatest strengths are in part due to being autistic.

To work on changing the behaviors I don’t want for myself, and work on keeping the things I do want. (Not in trying to mask, but to try to be a better person and to be more authentic to how God created me.)

Now I can be free to be me.

I’m honestly not even sure this post has made much sense. Just another list of the things that make me different, and trying to figure things out. 💜

~~~~~

https://m.facebook.com/HaleyMossART/

https://www.sun-sentinel.com/local/broward/parkland/fl-cn-parkland-haley-moss-florida-bar-20190206-story.html

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #adultswithautism #theselfawareautistic

Sun Sentinel article on Haley Moss

As I’m sitting here thinking about what I want to post for my weekly post, I was looking back on the pst week and realizing I’ve posted quite a bit here since last Thursday. I keep trying to do this weekly scheduled thing, but I can never think of something. It’s the random things, the inspirations I run into throughout the week, the things that I can’t put on hold until my Thursday post – those are the things I end up posting as I see them or think them. I think they fair better visibility-wise, and reaction wise. These Thursday posts seem like a piece of week old stale bread by the time they go up and float off out of anyone’s newsfeed.

So what’s the point of this post? I’m consistently wordy in just about anything I publish here. I’ve had a long week where I’ve just been exhausted. It hasn’t necessarily been a bad week. I have tried to get out of my box a little more over the weekend. I think I did ok at that. The rest of the week has just kind of been there. So I’m trying to rest. I haven’t been resting well. I have a hard enough time with sleep because of anxiety and whatever it is that keeps me up until crazy hours just because I can’t get myself to initiate my bedtime routine at a decent time of the evening. It doesn’t matter if I’ve put my phone down and have told myself not to pick it up. I’ll just sit and wait for some reason to actually start getting ready for bed. Maybe it is the anxiety. Maybe it’s an executive functioning thing. I don’t really know. Tuesday night I couldn’t function to the point that I pushed myself to get ready for bed early and actually went to bed at a decent time. If only I could keep that up. (Any other autistic folks reading this experience something similar?)

Maybe I don’t really have a point to this post. I feel like my brain has been a trigger-happy unicorn with a random thought bazooka just firing mortars of creative ideas and worries and shoulds and could’ves and shouldn’t’ves around in my head lately, for no reason whatsoever. It’s been a bit noisy. But that’s why I don’t really have a decent post for today.

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #adultswithautism #theselfawareautistic

I’ve been told I look angry, or have been asked why I’m angry, even at times when I’m the furthest thing from angry, or when experiencing confusion, or processing a change, or some of the other things mentioned in this post by Aut in Sight Aut in Mind.

My face is pretty much an open book most of the time, but sometimes, it is just as confused as my brain is when trying to work something out in my head, and that usually gets expressed as an angry face. I’ve been trying to work on facial expressions in the mirror a bit, but my brain and my face don’t always communicate well.

Micro-expressions are easier, I think, but not always recognized by myself or others. I did listen to a podcast the other day about micro-expressions (the tv show “Lie To Me” is about micro-expressions) and it made me more aware of mine. I had an instance where I recognized when my face made a micro-expression in therapy recently, and my therapist picked up on it. The micro-expression opened up the dialogue to delve deeper into what I was thinking at that time. It was very interesting, and I was actually impressed with my ability to have recognized the expression on my own face accurately because of how it felt, and by my therapists ability to pick up on it, as well.

Anyway, read the post below. It is the same conundrum I experience.

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #adultswithautism #theselfawareautistic

Aut in Sight Aut in Mind

Real life. Too many technical difficulties the last couple of weeks as far as communication and social situations. I am highly aware of how inept I am at those things. I was aware even before my autism diagnosis gave me a framework in which to understand that. I’m working hard to increase my skills, but it’s like trying to level up in a game where you can only increase skills in minuscule percentages at a time. Call it a plateau, call it burnout, call it a breakdown, call it selfishness, I don’t really care what you call it. I’m at a point where I feel like I’m trying to fly a helicopter when I’ve never even been in one before, I’ve only seen them fly. If you need me, I’ll be turtling for a bit. 🐢

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #adultswithautism #theselfawareautistic

I don’t know where this photo originated. It was on Instagram posted by one of the awesome folks who finds a lot of content and reposts it. This one didn’t have a reference. But I like it. This speaks such truth. Can autistic people intentionally say something to offend someone? Sure. We’re human. But is that always going to be the intent of the autistic person? Probably not. Personally, I am not going to intentionally try to offend someone until I’ve reached the point of being so offended that I just don’t care anymore. It usually takes me a very long time to get to where I don’t care about how what I say affects someone else. I will normally try to do anything to keep from offending someone or saying something that will hurt someone else. Gentle correction is key is an autistic person does say or do something that is perceived as wrong. Being understanding is good. Try to see things from our perspective, as well. If you’re not autistic, you’re probably better that than we are, because theory of mind can be difficult for someone who is autistic. I know it’s difficult for me. Do this for your autistic friends and family members. Because wondering why someone seems to suddenly be mad at you, won’t talk to you, treats you poorly, etc. without knowing what you did wrong – that just sucks.

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #adultswithautism #theselfawareautistic

I don’t have a long post for today. I’ve thrown a couple of random posts on the page in the last week, mostly because there were posts by other autistic adults that I wanted to share with my audience, too.

I’ve had a somewhat busy but still kind of slow week so far (I’m writing this Wednesday night so it can post automatically). Among other things, the grey January weather has been getting to me a bit, so I’ve not been quite as motivated to write this week. My head has been as clouded as the sky.

The fact that I just had to look up whether I should be spelling the color of the January weather as “grey” or “gray” should tell you how discombobulated I currently am. I chose the more British spelling… I sometimes prefer the British spelling of things.

What does this really have to do with autism or mental health? I’m not quite sure. Maybe just to acknowledge that we all have our down times. So maybe I will just use this _down_ time to take some “down time” for the next couple of days.

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #adultswithautism #theselfawareautistic

The Self Aware Autistic

You may have noticed a change in my page name. I chose to add “The Self Aware Autistic” to the title of my page for several reasons. I have been told by a handful of people that I am incredibly self aware. It seems that some neurotypical people also think that autistic people cannot be self aware.

I may not be able to always be self aware in the moment. I do a lot of stupid stuff, say a lot of things that I don’t always mean, because I’m not that self aware in the moment. I’m not able to process things as quickly as others. Once I’ve had time to get away from all of the noise and commotion of an event or situation, and it’s quiet, I can begin to process through everything that was going on around me and in my head at the time. It takes me a while to get to that point. But once I’m there, I usually have a much clearer understanding of what was going on. Maybe it’s like the saying “hindsight is 20/20”.

Even as self-aware that I can be, I miss a lot. I don’t recognize things in what I do or say that may not conform to social constructs. That kind of stuff always confuses me for the most part. I can be quite aware of what I’m feeling or experiencing, but completely unaware of how to express it, the right words to say, or how to act. Which means I make mistakes… a lot.

Usually, as someone who is self-aware, I can find something that I can use in a similar situation in the future. Sometimes that doesn’t work, because the situation just doesn’t get resolved.

Sometimes I can experience a social situation and feel like I’m watching the Sims video game characters have a discussion – the tone of voice is there, there are facial expressions that mean something, feelings are expressed by others, but I have no idea what to say in reply or how to really interpret the situation in detail because the people might as well be speaking Simlish.

Being self-aware, I realize some people may not be interested in reading what I write here. I’ve wondered over recent weeks if others are interested at all, if this is doing any good. I’m sure it’s not all that encouraging. I wanted this to be a bit of a raw writing area – to help educate and give insight into life on the autism spectrum and regarding mental health. I’m an advocate for both. But I’m not sure how much progress will be made with this blog. What should I change? What should I write about? Should I even continue to post things? Is any of this helpful at all? Is it too awkward? (I excel at awkward). I’ve felt like giving up on writing and posting and putting that stress on myself. It started out kind of strong and seems to have dwindled. I’m not even sure there is any interest in what I’m writing anymore. Leave some feedback. What do you think?

Wellbutrin Is Not For Everyone. Period.

I actually had another post lined up this week, but I’m delaying that one a bit. I’m getting into some pretty vulnerable stuff today. I made this blog to share about my journey now that I know I am autistic, but I also wanted to use this page to talk about mental health. That’s what we’re going to do today. Some of this may be TMI, so if you don’t want to read about stuff that women talk about, you may want to stop reading right now.

As you may know from some of my previous posts, I have anxiety. I am taking medication for that, which seems to be working out well, and I’m going to therapy which has helped me learn a lot of skills to help combat those anxious thoughts and mindsets.

If you’ve known me for any length of time, you know that I can be a very emotional person. However, I had noticed *several* years ago that I would get moody about two weeks out from starting my period each month. I started to track when I should be starting when I got the Apple calendar on my iPod and then my iPhone. I knew when I would get kind of depressed or emotional that it was because I was getting close to starting that month. I remember hearing about this thing called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) back when I was a teen, because there were some commercials for a medication for it. I thought that those sounded like me, even back then. I started looking into this even more just a few months ago. I began talking with my therapist about seeing if I fit criteria for the diagnosis for PMDD. I met more criteria than necessary for the diagnosis, but we have to track everything for a little while before the diagnosis can be official.

Regardless of an official diagnosis of PMDD, I mentioned it and all of the symptoms I have been experiencing for so long to my dr, and he OK’d starting Wellbutrin to combat the symptoms. I began taking it on Thanksgiving Day.

The first week was rough, and I mean rough. My emotions were really all over the place, and I felt really out of control. I knew that with taking a new medication that it can take a while to settle in your system, so I decided to tough it out. I knew that it was because of the medicine, and tried my best to counter the things I was feeling with what I knew was reality. My blood pressure was higher than my normal that first week. By the end of the first week I felt a lot better, but still not quite over all the side effects.

The first few weeks went by. I had my one month follow up appointment. I thought that maybe because of how things fell with my cycle and with the date I began the medication that maybe things would be better the second month. It didn’t. I felt like the PMDD symptoms that I normally experience were all cranked up to about a 15 on a sale of 1-10. This past week or so had been pretty horrible as far as emotions and interactions with people.

I contacted my doctor this week to ask him to titrate me down off the medication, it’s definitely not working and had actually been making things worse. Yesterday was my first half dose. I feel more human now than I have since I started taking it originally. I honestly can’t wait to be off the Wellbutrin for good. That’s not to say that it doesn’t work for some people. I know some folks who are on it, and it helps them immensely. I am just not one of those people. (Looking at you GeneSight… I kind of feel like you lied to me…)

Finding the right medication can be a beast – or turn you into one like it did me. The warnings all say what to look out for in yourself or your family member. Obviously you can’t warn *everyone* that is in contact with you that you’re taking a medication that might make you act extremely unlike your typical self, but it would definitely be more helpful if there was less stigma about mental health and the medication to help with your mental health.

You probably know someone with high blood pressure or diabetes who has talked about the medications they take, because they want you to be aware of the signs and symptoms of any kind of issue where you might need to assist them in some way, such as if their blood pressure gets too high, or if their sugar level is too high or low.

That’s why I’m posting this so openly. To end the stigma surrounding mental health. Because people who want to be well mentally and emotionally do not always get the support they need to do so. Instead society shames them for having an invisible illness. You may not be able to see someone’s diagnosis all the time. They might be able to function well even a majority of the time. There will be days when they will need your support.

If someone you know has opened up to you about their diagnosis of any kind, support them. Reach out. Ask them how they are doing. Actually listen when they respond. Check in with them. Make sure they’re ok. If they’ve changed medications recently, and they’ve told you, let them know if you notice any changes in their behavior, good or bad. Be there for your friends or loved ones. Sometimes it can be scary to reach out for support when you’re going through stuff.

Unless you have experienced it, you can’t really know what that person is actually going through. That doesn’t mean that you can’t support them. (Having anxiety, sometimes, ok many times, I NEED that rational thinking person in my life to tell me what truth is, and what’s my anxiety lying to me.)

Maybe this is completely foolish, posting all of this detail on here about my struggle with anxiety, my journey of gaining understanding as I learn about autism, and how my period affects my mood and such. I’m sharing this with my friends, my family, my manager and other coworkers who have followed my page, and whoever else happens upon this page. You’d think I would be embarrassed or afraid of what people might think.

My mindset is this: if we never talk about mental health, it’s never going to be normal, and people will continue to be wrapped up in shame regarding their brain. Like one of the YouTube folks who is a mental health advocate (Kati Morton) says, “Healthy mind, healthy body.” It’s all connected.

I’m including some links to some resources about PMDD if you’re interested in learning more.

https://www.facebook.com/viciouscyclepmdd/

https://www.facebook.com/IAPMD/

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #pmdd #pmddawareness #pmddpeeps #viciouscycle #fearfullyandwonderfullymade