Maybe I’m just particular, but I notice things. Blistex changed their formula in their lip balm. This is the only lip balm I have been loyal to for probably 20 years. I got a new pack last week and noticed the flavor had changed. It tasted horrible. I even contacted the company and they are going to have me send it back. I’m not sure why. If all the rest of the new stuff tastes like this, it’s not going to do me any good. They offered to let me try another product. I don’t want to try another product. I want to use classic Blistex Medicated Lip Balm, before they made the formulation change. Would a neurotypical be quite as upset over this kind of thing?

The other photo of the Colgate packaging is another instance when a company changed something. I spent about 10 minutes in the toothpaste isle at Walmart trying to find my toothpaste this summer. They completely changed their packaging to a different color, and changed the sizing on the fonts and the little tooth icon. I knew what I was looking for in the store, and I couldn’t find it so I spent a lot longer than I should trying to locate what I wanted, while feeling a bit lost at the same time.

You wouldn’t think that changes like these would be so drastic and cause such upset, but they do. It’s like I run into these kinds of things and my brain just doesn’t know what to do. So I kind of freak out a little bit. Sometimes it’s very hard to deal with change, even if they seem small to everyone else. They’re not small to the person who is experiencing the change in that way.

#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers

Let me introduce myself: My name is Nora. Some introductiony things about me – I am a Christian, an artist, I have two fur babies 🐈🐈, I hike and bike for fun.

So, what’s up with having this public blog page? I was diagnosed on the autism spectrum on August 15th, 2018. I’ve been writing about it. Some people wanted to share my posts because they felt others might be interested in reading them. I didn’t feel comfortable simply making my personal posts public, so I chose to create a public page where I can share specific things.

Why did I seek a diagnosis for autism? Due to several things I was struggling with coming to a bit of a breaking point earlier this year, I had about three friends suggest counseling. One of those friends also (cautiously) asked me if I had ever been tested for Aspergers. Despite the weight of our conversation at the time, I kind of laughed and replied that I hadn’t, but the thought had crossed my mind more than once before. This led to countless hours studying and researching online. I reached out to a friend who I knew had personal experience with autism and asked for info on any place that would be able to do an assessment. She suggested BrainPower Neurodevelopmental Center. They mainly work with kids, but I called them and they confirmed that they also do assessments for adults.

I scheduled my intake appointment shortly after this (after confirming insurance stuff would go through). From the intake appointment I waited a few more weeks for the first day of testing. Then I waited a few more weeks for an interview with the psychologist, Dr. Morton. Finally, the day came for the feedback appointment.

Those few weeks in between appointments were somewhat grueling. What if I’m diagnosed on the spectrum? That would explain a lot of things and a lot would make sense, even if it was kind of scary to think of. What if I’m NOT diagnosed on the spectrum? What then? Would anything make sense?

The feedback appointment date finally came. I got a call that the appointment would have to be moved back an hour or so because other appointments ran long, it’s the nature of the territory because it can be such an emotional experience. I showed up at the time of my appointment. Things were still running behind, and I was then notified of another test I had to take online that could only be done in office. This was a long test. Once that was complete, it wasn’t long before I met with Dr. Morton. (Finally! I was so ready to have some answers!)

I was given a bit of a summary of all the test results. It was mostly encouraging. Some things on the IQ test fell in average areas, some above average, and one in a way above average area. I found out that although I didn’t fully meet criteria on the ADOS for autism, that the other tests they administered still met the criteria, confirming a diagnosis on the spectrum. (ADOS is the gold standard for autism assessment, but it is primarily testing for what is a typically male presentation of autism, while females on the spectrum present autistic characteristics in different ways than males.)

I was asked how I felt about being officially diagnosed on the spectrum.

Relief.

It was like I had been holding my breath my whole life and I could finally let out a sigh and breathe for once. I finally understood why I felt so different from other people all these years.

I was also diagnosed with comorbid (occurring together) general and social anxiety. That took a little more time for me to process. Of course I knew I had anxiety, but I never really labeled it as such. So to have that labeled kind of freaked me out a bit. Even though I knew it was true. Even though I knew I shouldn’t think of it in the stigmatized way that many Christians think of it. It was still hard to “wrap my head around” that.

From there, I waited a few more weeks and got back my full written report. It’s kind of odd reading over it. The technical language used kind of threw me a bit, but I was able to schedule to meet again with Dr. Morton to get some explanations on things I didn’t understand. She explained everything I had questions about, and then some. I am so very thankful for Dr. Morton and her team!

Since the feedback appointment, I have followed through with getting into therapy, which has been an amazing experience. It’s helping me better deal with the anxiety and social things. I’m still learning a lot. Not that I haven’t learned a lot from past experiences and people who have been there for me along the way prior to the diagnosis. But having a therapist you can talk to and who can teach you skills and strategies to overcome and deal with the things you struggle with, and who can be a sounding board… that is so beneficial. Also, getting the right medication is helpful in managing anxiety to better function in daily life.

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but I think I’ve noticed an improvement in my thoughts, interactions with others, and in how I handle certain things since getting help for the anxiety and social stuff.

Why am I writing about this? Why am I sharing all of this stuff with the world (or whoever it is that reads this)? Better question – Why in the world would I share this stuff with anyone who knows me personally (or, *gasp*, professionally), much less those who don’t?

After going so long just trying to get by with things on my own, not understanding why I felt so different from others, not understanding why I reacted to things the way I do, not getting why I find social situations incredibly difficult to comprehend, struggling to cope with things like change (wanted change or unwanted change)… to go from all of that to finally understanding myself better, to better seeing how God made me, to getting help learning coping skills and how to grow and get rid of some of the negative stuff, to heal… That’s why I’m sharing this journey.

I’ve shared before about my weight loss journey (I need to board that train again). Now I’m sharing this journey of autism and mental health. I want to inspire people. I want to encourage people. If you’re a female or an adult who suspects you may be on the spectrum, or have just found out you are, I want you to know you’re not alone. I want you to know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I know each of our journeys is going to be different. As the popular saying goes, “When you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.” I want to help encourage acceptance and support of those on the spectrum.

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#actuallyautistic #autisticadult #autismdiagnosis #differentnotless #autismacceptance #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthjourney #fearfullyandwonderfullymade #christianmentalhealth #endthestigma #autisticchristian #asd1 #neurodivergent #neurodiversity

This is something I originally posted in October after a speaker talked about bias in the workplace. I don’t know how much bias exists at my work, but I have experienced some bias in general (pretty much only *outside* of work) since I’ve told people I was recently diagnosed on the autism spectrum. People have said that since I can make eye contact and carry on a decent conversation that surely I couldn’t possibly be autistic. The bias was brought up by a speaker who mentioned that a family member is bipolar, which brought up the mental health bias that some people experience. I sat through the speech absolutely thrilled that someone would speak on the importance of removing bias, especially towards mental health (among age, race bias, etc.) in the workplace.

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. . . . . Original post . . . . .

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They wanted to talk about *bias* at work via art or saying drawn up in marker and crayons. They talked about gender bias, racial bias, and age bias. They only briefly touched on bias of any kind of health/mental health issues.

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I added this drawing slightly based on the logo of the facility where I went for my ASD testing and diagnosis, and just based on some of the things I’ve seen online in other variations [silhouette of a head with gears inside]. I added the puzzle piece in there, because it’s the most recognizable symbol of autism.

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I was kind of scared to add this to the wall of posters. Mostly because it’s always (as someone else I follow here on Instagram mentioned in their own post today) a crap-shoot to disclose. But why is that?

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The diagnosis doesn’t change who I am or how I’ve performed my job during my time there, or how I will continue to perform my job. It only helps to explain the why behind some of my behavior, the why behind why I always sucked at the interview process, the why behind the things I do to avoid sensory overload (hat and earphones, anyone?). It gives me a way to communicate about how I best communicate, and how *others* can best communicate with me.

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Some people may think “autism” and have the bias that I won’t be a good employee because it’s a developmental disorder, so that’s going to be some kind of lack or inability or something like that. They’ll have the bias that because of autism someone can’t do the things their coworkers that are neurotypical might do. But, with autism comes hyperfocus, extreme attention to detail, and an innate desire to follow the rules to-a-t. Aside from my general integrity and desire for maintaining honor, these are strengths that I bring that are only enhanced because I am autistic.

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The bias that might exist is that neurodiversity* is a weakness. I would counter that to say that neurodiversity is my strength. The way to counter the bias as a solution may just be education. Actually meeting people who are neurologically different from you.

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*Neurodiversity can also include those with ADHD, Tourette’s, and other things.

Different. Not less.

I like that phrase by Dr. Temple Grandin, an accomplished author, speaker, and inventor who is autistic.

Ever since I heard the song “Weird” by Hanson, at 11 years old, I resonated with it. I felt the song could have been written about me. I always felt like I didn’t fit in, even during my time in elementary school. I wasn’t a popular kid. I was always kind of nerdy. I was even in the class for the smart kids during 3rd grade. I always got good marks for social things, but I remember never really having any close friends – not like other kids who had several close friends. I was glad when we started homeschooling starting in the 4th grade. I’d heard that in 4th grade they made you shower after gym class, and that would have been too awkward for me (that was literally my biggest fear about going into 4th grade in public school).

I’ve never really been super social. I’ve always been pretty quiet – I would observe people in a social situation to try to figure out how you were supposed to talk, what you were supposed to say, and when. I still don’t really know what to say, or when. I can’t just jump into a conversation like everyone else. By the time I figure out what people are talking about and think of what I’d like to say, the topic of conversation has changed, and I’ve completely missed my chance to be heard. This is something that I’ve encountered as long as I can remember.

I’ve also recognized that when I’m talking to someone, I usually don’t look them in the eyes. I actually tend to watch a person’s mouth when they are speaking. This helps me better understand and “hear” them. Otherwise, all I hear is the conversations around us, the dishes clacking if we’re in a restaurant like setting, the buzz of the fluorescent lights, and everything else going on in the room. I see all of this stuff in my peripheral vision, too, and a lot of the times my eyes will follow any new movement. If I’m not making a point to look at the mouth of the person speaking, I miss what is being said.

I am also very sensitive to smells, always have been. Scents, perfumes, cigarette smoke, mold, musty buildings, strong odors in general. Some of this stuff bothers normal people, sure. But most of it makes me feel like my skin is crawling because of the frustration of not being able to take a full breath of air without encountering the offending scent.

Recently I was reminded, because I was told to speak quieter, that I used to have so much trouble with that. I’ve learned over the years how to better regulate my volume when speaking.

Speaking of volume, noises are another thing that get to me. I can’t even remember when I started carrying ear plugs with me constantly. I use them when I’m around loud noises or abrupt noises. I just carry them with me so I have them if I get into an environment where I need them. I always said it was just to protect my hearing, and always thought that maybe some people had gone without using ear plugs so long that they just didn’t have the range of hearing that I do. That may be part of it, but just being hypersensitive to sound has always been part of my sensory experience.

I generally don’t understand sarcasm. Or jokes. I’ll laugh at a joke, but mostly it’s when other people laugh at it first. It sometimes takes me a minute to get what it was about. I might have to stifle a laugh after that if I think it was really funny.

I have a tendency to bob my head and tap my foot to the beat of music when I’m listening. Sometimes I do this when I’m not listening to music. I usually try to only do this when I’m still wearing my headphones (kind of like when I pause a song and forget I paused it, but I’m so used to moving to the music that I keep going even though the music stopped.) I move my foot like I’m tapping it when I am falling asleep at night, too. I remember driving my roommate on the bottom bunk crazy with that during college!

If something changes in my schedule or my routine is thrown out of whack for some reason, it can take me a while to get back into rhythm and feel normal again. I have routines that are kind of categorized. I have them in the morning, and evening. I have weekly things (like gym, church, tv shows, and other things that are on specific nights). I can do other things, but it takes me a while, from a few hours or days, to get settled into something that changes.

Emotional regulation and executive functioning are a couple of other areas where I have some difficulty and am learning more about. But, that’s enough about the challenges I’ve experienced. I want to share some of the positive things, my strengths.

You can count on me to be honest with you (if you’ll give me a chance to put my thoughts together and share them with you.) I won’t beat around the bush.

I’m loyal. I’m loyal to my family, my church family, my friends and most acquaintances, my employer. If I trust you enough to count you as a friend, I may prove to be one of the most loyal people you ever meet.

I’m a good listener. I won’t interrupt, and I won’t share what you say with anyone else.

I’m almost always on time, if not early.

I tend to follow the rules. I see things in “black and white” in a very literal manner. Rules are good. They give me a framework to work with.

I can be very logical in my thinking.

I have excellent attention to detail (and the test scores to prove it!) I can become so focused on a task that I’ll get startled if someone tries to get my attention, but only after they’ve already attempted several times before that to actually get my attention. I don’t usually quit on a task. If it’s learning about a subject I’m interested in, I tend to be a bit intense in my study.

I have a pretty decent memory (often situational). I’ve had friends ask me about what was said or a detail about something they’d forgotten, and had been able to recall the event or whatever it was they were asking about.

I can problem solve and usually come up with a unique way to solve a problem.

I’m pretty good at artsy stuff. If I think of something artsy/crafty that doesn’t exist, I’ll usually figure out a way to make it.

I don’t do small talk. Be prepared for a somewhat deep conversation if I do talk to you.

Like everyone, I have strengths, and I have weaknesses. I have innately felt a little less than normal my whole life.

I was recently diagnosed on the autism spectrum.

Being diagnosed on the autism spectrum has helped make sense of my differences. It has helped me realize some of my strengths. It has given me a framework around which to understand myself better. I hope it gives others a way to understand me better. I might have some quirks. Who doesn’t? I may have a few more than most, and didn’t even get to all of them here (these are just a few examples of the things I’ve experienced that are consistent with being on the spectrum, among many other factors). I might learn things a bit differently than others (visual/kinesthetic). I hope that being able to explain some of these things will facilitate understanding and acceptance. I hope that it serves to strengthen connections. Knowing this now, after slightly more than 30 years, helps me to better understand the why’s of the ways I react to things and how I experience things. It just makes sense. And to me, it is a blessing. I was asked if I had the chance to be healed of autism if I would. I replied that I feel like I only just now discovered part of myself, and that being anything but who I am right now would seem pretty boring. I may have recognized more of my challenges than my strengths, but in the knowing, I am beginning to recognize my strengths, too. I praise God for who He has made me to be.

I am different… not less.

(Originally posted on my personal page August 31st, 2018.)

I am going to be posting my entries that I’ve uploaded on my Facebook page here.

If you’d like to visit my Facebook page, it can be found at Nora W – The Self Aware Autistic.