March 28, 2019

Just a random Thursday post. I didn’t have anything planned, or any deep thoughts for today, really. I’ve been busy with my cat getting fixed this week, and generally lacking sleep for trying to get ready to give a talk next week about what God has been doing in my life.

I decided to take this pic because I was wearing my hat backwards while driving with the windows down on this decently warm day. I used to wear a hat backwards *all*the*time* when I was a kid. I don’t think I quit doing that until I was like 11 years old. I just liked it. I don’t know why. I guess I thought it looked cool?

Now that I know I’m autistic, though, I also think it was a sensory thing. I like having some kind of light pressure around my head. I got used to wearing a bandana around my eyes at night when I was a teenager because my sister would be up with the light on after I wanted to go to sleep, so I figured out how to sleep when I wanted to. I used a knit hat in the winter time when it was cooler, to block out the light and to keep my head warm. I’ve always liked keeping my head warm in cooler weather. I get a headache if I don’t. But I still sleep with a knit hat at night, even though I don’t have much light in my bedroom and my curtains do a decent job keeping light out if I need to sleep beyond sunrise. I just still like the pressure of the knit hat on my head at night, and it is just calming for me. It’s kind of my cue to my body that I can go to sleep.

P.S. I don’t really wear a hat backwards anymore unless it’s like this where I wanted to keep my hair out of my face while driving with the windows down. I got unaccustomed to it, and now it feels kind of weird to me. But I do wear this hat forwards plenty often while I’m out and about.

Do you have any sensory things you use regularly like that?

#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #openlyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder

March 14, 2019

Rainy morning, but I wore my @vivobarefoot Primus Hi-Viz anyway. It wasn’t raining hard enough for me to wear my waterproof Merrels, and the rain will hopefully be out of the area by the time I get off work. 4 days in a row this week for these shoes. I don’t get to wear them often enough. Thankfully, doing down dog a lot during yoga class seems to have helped strengthen my right foot so it doesn’t hurt through all the metatarsal and cuneiform bones when I wear any of my barefoot shoes.

Wearing barefoot shoes has helped my foot and leg strength, as well as posture when walking. I tend to walk with my hips and lower abdomen instead of actually using my feet and lower legs to propel myself forward. It causes a funny gait and tends to not help my general klutzyness any. I have to mindfully focus my attention on how I’m moving to walk with my feet. Wearing barefoot shoes helps, because I also have to be mindful most times of where I put my feet. It helps with proprioception to wear the barefoot shoes.

I’ve been interested in barefoot shoes ever since #stumbleupon led me to the @vibramfivefingers page back in the early 2000s. I was obsessed with VFFs! It took me until college to buy a pair of Sprints and I just got a pair of the KSOs last year, and I got the Vivo Barefoot Primus Hi-Viz so I could wear something a little less conspicuous at work. Though I may just wear the VFF KSOs to work sometime. I’ve always liked the idea of going barefoot, but sensory issues keep me from it. I cringe just thinking about walking barefoot outside. I tried it during college when my friends were walking around the grounds barefoot. I probably looked like an electrocuted turtle – twitching and moving slowly. I’m a tenderfoot. Barefoot shoes are perfect for getting the experience without the sensory issues!

#mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder

Nyeh – March 7, 2019

Not feeling the same as my shirt, but this used to be me so much that my sister made this and sent it to me during college. Instead of the “meh” like the shirt from thinkgeek, I always said “nyeh” when I was in a bad or apathetic mood. I wore this under my plaid shirt today, just because it was something to wear, and I had recently discovered it while going through stuff looking for something else. At least I’m learning to recognize those “nyeh” moments better now.

(I was barely awake when I took the photo this morning, and still quite blah physically from being sick earlier in the week, so my face was able to match the shirt even though my mood didn’t.)

Regular Schedule? – March 7, 2019

I had nothing planned for my Thursday post today. I ended up sick on Tuesday and spent all of yesterday just recovering. Almost back to normal today. At least I’m back to work. Anyone who knows me will tell you, I don’t take sick days. I had to this week. Hopefully I’ll be back to my regular schedule next week, if not posting sooner than Thursday. I’m not sure Thursday is a good day for posting new items, despite what most statistics seem to say when researching the best time to post. Maybe it’s all really down to content and who sees the post based on Facebooks algorithms. When I have some less fuzzy thoughts in my head, I’ll just post them. Being sick for a couple of days has a way of turning any coherent thoughts into a tangled mess.

?SYNTAX ERROR – March 4, 2019

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(3-3-19)

Why do I struggle to speak?

I struggle to speak when I try to give a praise at church.

I struggle to speak when I try to talk to my therapist.

I struggle to speak when I try to talk when I’m excited, or tired, or frustrated, or happy, or just trying to say, “How are you?” in a passing conversation.

I struggle to get the words out that I want to use. I am much more “eloquent” on paper or in text than I am when I try to put my voice to it. In college I could even sign in ASL more fluently than I could put my voice to my words and get them out of my mouth.

If you know me or have conversations with me, you may not think speaking is a problem for me. I can talk ok. I can usually convey a meaning with my words that is generally what I want to come out of my mouth. However, what you don’t see are all of the thoughts inside my head that I want to get out, but they never make it past the gate of my lips. I am left with words left over, sitting idly in my mind, like prisoners tied to a chair, unable to escape my brain.

When I’m having a conversation it’s like my mouth is having a text message chat with my brain, and from my brain’s point of view it’s typing and typing what it wants the mouth to say. My mouth only sees the three little dots blinking while my brain types types – it disappears, reappears, disappears – then all my mouth gets is this one word reply, so that’s the message it relays with my voice.

It happens in regular conversations – with friends, family, at work, even in therapy. It happens to a greater degree when I’m in a social setting that I can’t quite follow, because aside from the regular want for words to speak, I am also trying to interpret the setting, people’s faces and body language, possibly attempting to even hear the person, much less understand what they’re saying in order to reply.

When I can find the words, sometimes I struggle to be heard – to speak loudly enough, clear enough, to get my words in the right order to be understood, to not over explain something or include too much detail.

I think this is one of the reasons I would always sit and watch and listen to a conversation without joining in. I would people watch – trying to understand how the conversation was moving, how to engage with others, what things to say, things not to say, how to say things, etc.

It’s not that I don’t try to join in conversations. It’s always been hard. One time I was with a couple of friends, prior to my diagnosis on the spectrum, and they were talking back and forth, and I was so frustrated with myself for not knowing when to jump into the conversation, how to engage with them, what to say, how to say things. The words just wouldn’t come out at the right time, if at all. I couldn’t find my words, and I couldn’t process everything in time to respond if I did find my words because the moment was gone by then.

I do try to speak. I do try to say more of the words in my head. But conversations move faster than I can process things, and then I choke on the words before they can come out. I pause too long and someone else picks up talking even when I wasn’t finished, all because my mouth and my brain aren’t moving at the same speed. If you took my vocal response during a conversation and compared it to what I actually wanted to say out loud, it would be like comparing the text of a Tweet to the text of my Instagram posts.

Is this selective mutism? Is this related to processing speed? Probably both? I’m not sure. I’ve read several things by other autistics who say they have similar experiences.

So what’s the point of this? Awareness. Education. If you’re with me in person and I’m not contributing much to the conversation, try asking me some direct questions. Then actually wait for a response. It might take longer than the couple seconds that you might be used to when you’re talking to someone who is not autistic. I’ve heard it said that it takes 30 seconds to form a response. For me, it takes about twice that long to form the response, then another 30 seconds or more the get the words out right. If I pause, I may not be done speaking, I may just be trying to find the next word. If I’m loud and short with my words, it may be because that’s the SMS version of what I want to say, you know, before all this unlimited character/data usage thing got popular. Slow down. Allow time to think and respond. Allow time for the words to make their way from my brain to my mouth. Even if it seems like it should be something easy to talk about.

Looking for the Sound of Light – February 28, 2019

One more post for Thursday as I wait on laundry, so it’s gonna be a late night anyway.

I painted this in therapy tonight. The struggle to stay in the light and the joy while the darkness tries to entwine around once again. It’s not as detailed as what was in my head when my therapist asked me to paint what’s been going on in my mind this week, but our sessions are only an hour. I may try to revise it as a new piece. It’s enough to remind me of the message. It’s enough to remind me to keep fighting to hold on to the joy and peace that I’m experiencing right now, and defeat the anxiety and fear and depression that try to pull me down.

[•_•]

Brain Paths of Anxiety- February 28, 2019

Brain Paths of Anxiety

I’m afraid of the silence

And what I might find

If I sit in the quiet

And walk through my mind

A wilderness of darkness

A desolate place

Lies too familiar

That I don’t want to face

I fill my ears with noise

And my eyes with pictures

The constant commotion

An everyday fixture

Afraid of being lonely

Afraid of living unheard

Like I could disappear

And no one would say a word

There’s an ache in my chest

Crack it open and you’ll see

All my broken pieces

Riddled with anxiety

In this storm at sea

I’m holding on to hope

Trying to hang on

To the Anchor of my soul

Obedient to praise

When I don’t want to fight

Return to God’s Word

His lamp, His light

The struggle continues

In spite of it all

Determined to rise up

Every time that I fall

Back into old habits

Mindsets I can’t mention

Longing for peace

Instead of this tension

• • •

Thursday Morning Thoughts- February 21, 2019

Thursday morning thoughts (assembled before Thursday morning)

I saw a mom post in a support group to ask if anyone had experience with their child on the spectrum “flipping their lid” when they’re experiencing an illness. I wrote the paragraph below in response to the mom, and thought I would share here, as well, since I remember the panic and confusion I would experience when I was sick as a kid and would get frustrated and angry a lot easier during an illness.

“I don’t have kids, but I am autistic. I know from my experiences when I was a kid that being sick can just make me agitated and unsettled, because things are going on in my body that I can’t control, and I’m more prone to react to things aggressively because I’m unable to control all of the things I’m experiencing on a sensory level both internally and externally. Try to control the extremes, if they’re too hot, help them to cool off, if they’re feeling confined, help them feel like they can move freely – I remember being sick as a kid and feeing like the blankets were too heavy and getting angry that I couldn’t move them, and things like that. If they’re having trouble communicating what they need, just be patient and listen, however you kid communicates stuff to you. Being congested or sick to your stomach or whatever can make taking the energy to communicate even harder, even as a kid.”

I’m leaving this post at this because I always ramble, and my notes on this did just that, but I edited it back down for this post.

Soul-Healing – February 19, 2019

Random observation from this past week. I was looking at a Bible verse because the topic of the soul came up in the conversation I was involved in. I was reminded that the root word in the Greek word for soul is “psychē” so then I looked up the root word of therapy which is “therapuō” which means healing. That led to the word “psychotherapy” of which the root is the two words combined.

“Soul-healing”

Maybe if more Christians saw it like that – that those who work with the mind and the heart are helping to heal the soul – maybe there wouldn’t be such a stigma about mental health within the church.

I believe in Christ as the Savior of my soul. To say that psychotherapy is “soul-healing” is not at all about salvation. Jesus is also the Great Physician, yet I still go to a doctor when I’m physically sick, as do many people who claim Christ as their Savior, because He gave these people the wisdom to work with His creation.

Why do we treat what, as Strong’s concordance defines psychē, “the seat of the feelings, desires, affections, aversions (our heart, soul etc.)”, why do we treat it so differently than we do our bodies? Because we can’t see it? Because it’s beyond our brain to comprehend the healing of something we can’t see, and can’t physically put a location to?

I don’t know about anyone else, but I praise God for the wisdom He has given the special group of people who practice psychotherapy… who practice “soul-healing”, who devote their time and attention to learning and understanding and working with people to help work out the things that aren’t working in the place where our feelings, desires, affections, and aversions reside. I praise God for those people!

#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #psychotherapy #psychotherapist #mentalhealthandthechurch #soulhealing #christianmentalhealth

Thankful – February 15, 2019

I am incredibly thankful for a therapist who says they thought of a Scripture for me, who reminds me that Scripture is alive and active and that how it impacts us changes during our different seasons, and who reminds me that the enemy prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour. She read the passage in the first picture (Jeremiah 29:11-14a) to me during our session last night. The second picture is of a drawing my therapist asked me to make in session. She wanted me to draw the word “peace” and how peace looks to me. I struggled with the concept for a few minutes. Then, I drew the word as clouds in a sunset at my tree. I hung it on my bathroom wall with the two Scriptures that I try to focus on, so I can see it daily. Now, if I can just remember these things throughout the other 167 hours of the week. Sometimes you just need someone to remind you of the things you already know but are having trouble living out.