June 12, 2019

Having a day… scratch that… having a week. Heck, my brain isn’t even communicating with me half the time so far this week.

The mask is off. The mask is in a completely different room. If not an entirely different solar system. Yeah, I’ve been busy doing things, but not any busier than “normal”. Not sure why I’m unable to hold it together quite as well the last few days, but it’s been difficult. I keep forgetting things, executive functioning is kind of out the window, I’ve had to tell Siri to remind me to do things just so I get them done, and communication has been difficult.

I was all peopled out on Monday night after my first time volunteering with a wonderful charity that I plan to volunteer with again. But I just couldn’t people anymore at the end of the evening. I kind of worried how people would perceive me if I stayed and the mask came off and I presented more of my autistic characteristics that I usually have a pretty decent handle on.

Sometimes I think I need a warning label. So, I gave this disclaimer today while talking with someone. I’m autistic. Communication is sometimes difficult.

#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #openlyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder

May 26, 2019

Just some of the things I enjoy, that you might call a special interest. My trees. The ones featured here are “second tree” in pictures 1, 2, and 3. The 4th picture is the atom going by over wheat fields. Then there’s “the kissing trees”. The last 3 pictures are some of the snails that were on my sidewalk because of the rain. It’s just some of the things I find myself taking pictures of constantly.

I started taking pictures of the tree in the last photograph because of the magnificent sunsets I would see while driving home from work in the evenings. It just became my blog photo, where I would use it as my photo of the day and to update people on my friends list about my day if anything happened. It’s just become a bit of an everyday thing for me now. Second tree is one that I see on my way to church, which is where I was going when I snapped the pic this morning. They’ve become my touchstones for the day, something to look at to bring attention to my words. I get questions about them all the time. The kissing trees are a group of trees that are shaped in such a way that I think they look like two people leaning in for a kiss. The snails, they’re just cute. They are so fragile, and fascinating.

Maybe you could call these things a special interest. Maybe they’re more of a habit or routine. It’s just some stuff I like. It’s my reminder to give glory to God for His creation, and just to slow down and notice His creativity. A sort of mindfulness or meditation on the seeming little things that remind me of how much He cares for the things I’m going through.

May 23, 2019

I don’t know if this is even readable with the background color on it. But I finally finished the drawing I have been working on. It isn’t super deep or profound. It’s what’s going on. I was inspired by listening to a podcast or YouTube video the other day to put together a list of the things I’m working on. I sketched it out and finally got it digitally completed.

That’s really all I’ve got on this since my brain has stopped putting words together properly for the evening. Finishing this was one goal for the evening. The other is to get to bed at a decent hour. I’m a little late on that, but not horribly. So, off to bed I go so I might not be quite as exhausted tomorrow!

May 22, 2019

I keep wanting to write something deep and profound about autism or mental health (since this month is Mental Health Awareness Month), but I keep staring at my blinking cursor and no words come out. I have nothin of interest to say right now. If I do, it’s coming to me slower than the snail that was traversing my sidewalk tonight. I have ideas of things I want to write about, but nothing is coming together in my head.

I’ve been pretty busy with things lately. I’m getting used to my new schedule at work which is my old schedule. It’s taking longer to get back into my old routine than I prefer. Actually, it may be because I didn’t really have an old routine. Sort of, but not a set bed time or specific routine before bed. I need a routine before bed. One that will help me to get to bed at a decent time. I don’t usually have much trouble staying asleep unless my joints that are 25 years older than the rest of me decide to keep me awake.

I’ve also just been busy with projects for people, and other things I’ve been trying to do.

So I haven’t had a lot of time lately to think about something of relevance to write here.

May 3, 2019

You know it’s time to go to bed when… this was my brain last night while I was trying to get ready for bed.

April 30, 2019

👂I went to get a hearing test today. I’ve never had a hearing test as an adult. I know I have tinnitus. I got the hearing test because I do have trouble understanding people in crowded environments.

🗣 Apparently I have zero trouble hearing most sounds. I know from experience that I can’t very well differentiate the sounds that I hear, so while I can hear someone speaking, I can also hear everything else going on, too, and my brain just can’t focus on what it should. (I would love to find a local facility that tests comprehension and processing speed.)

🧠 I learned about a program online that can help train your brain to hear speech in noisy environments. I might invest in this, but I’m not sure yet. Obviously over 30 years of experiencing noise and conversation has not helped with discriminating speech from background noise.

🧩 Knowing now that I’m autistic helps me understand that my brain is just wired differently; than my auditory sensory sensitivity is just part of that. Physically, my ears can actually hear almost all frequencies that can be heard. Cognitively, my brain doesn’t always know what to do with all that info. I now wear earplugs when I know sound will be too loud or just too much. I have some “hi-fi” earplugs that I wear during worship at church or at concerts. I wear regular earplugs at the grocery store sometimes if I feel I am too agitated and may be on the verge of a meltdown, just as one of my coping mechanisms since finding out I am autistic. It’s not that I didn’t want to wear earplugs while out shopping before, *I just never felt like I had permission to.*

🎯 What’s the point of all this? I’m still discovering some of the different, intriguing, sometimes weird ways my brain is wired. 💜

April 25, 2019

I am participating in my first ever 5K this weekend for the local autism nonprofit! They help kids with vouchers for therapies and things like swim lessons, they have parent support groups, and family events that are sensory friendly and allow time for kids and parents to socialize. Everything stays local. I’m excited to walk/jog in the race. Though I have a feeling I’ll be happy if I just don’t stop and can actually finish! I’m a little out of shape compared to where I was when I was running before. Maybe I’ll sign up for another race sometime to give myself a goal to work towards. Although I’ve known about this one for months and haven’t trained in any way at all leading up to it. As of now I’m planning to probably wear my knee braces just to make sure I’m still upright by the time the race is over.

April 18, 2019

I have been struggling to find stuff to post lately because I’ve been so busy and worn out. But I painted this early in the week this based on some stuff my therapist and I did in the sand tray at the end of last year. I’ve been trying to deal with the intense anxiety and work through some stuff that has just been bothering me a really long time. Mindsets about myself have been huge. I had written in a personal journal about the two toys I selected for my goals in the new year for the sand tray exercise: “Looking at the new year, samurai wielding a sword for warrior, and the willow tree figure of courage. To go into the new year continuing with what I’ve started at the end of this year, growing, fighting to be a better me, courage in the fight.” I decided to paint them together, fighting the darkness in my mind that I’ve dealt with for so long with the anxiety, that finally seems to be breaking. The samurai is not fighting the angel, they are fighting together, thus the blue around the samurai and on the armor, signifying good and the presence of the Holy Spirit. The angel for courage has purple sparkly wings, because purple is my favorite color, and I love how she’s holding her hands up in victory. The fissures in the darkness are there because of the breakthroughs I’ve experienced emotionally over the last month or so.

I hope that maybe this will encourage some of you who are also going through some rough stuff right now. I’m still not quite back up to par yet from the busyness and the information overload I’ve been getting just trying to keep up with everything going on this month online for Autism Acceptance Month, and dealing with allergies that got me down last weekend. However, I’m still looking for the positive things. I am trying to stay aware of the growth I’ve experienced, and to put the negative stuff out of my mind. It’s a fight, a battle. It’s not easy. But I’m still going to try.

April 9, 2019

A growing purple field at the tree today. A peaceful scene. I am exhausted. I may not even leave my house on Saturday. I don’t know yet. It’s been a long couple of weeks and I’m just trying to hold on for the weekend. I have an ill kitty that needs to go to the vet. I have not enough hours in the day to sleep and do things and rest my brain. Does stress make tinnitus worse? It hasn’t been bad stress, really. Just busy stress. Doing things. Going places. Speaking in front of people last week. Spending time with people. I just haven’t had down time for an extended period. I haven’t taken a Sabbath. I’ve had a few hours here and there. God knew what He was doing when He told people to not do anything for a FULL day. Our bodies require rest. I’m trying to carve out the time to rest for a full day. Maybe I’ll just sit on the couch for a couple hours without playing a video game or scrolling on my phone. Everything is white noise right now. (That’s literally what I hear in my ears.) My brain needs a break from the noise.

April 4, 2019

I posted this a year ago today on my personal page. As I see my past writings, I am now able to see some of the stuff relating to autism. I was in a place of what I now believe was autistic burnout when I wrote this. Too many changes, too much grief over those changes. It was a difficult season. I’ll be posting again soon with more of my story… with what I shared the other night at the Tres Dias meeting on how God has been working in me. For now, this reflection from one year ago…

• • • • • •

Wholehearted. Loyalty. Passion. Brokenness. Faults. Joy. Hope. Surrender. Compassion. Honor. Randomness.

Some days I feel I pour my heart out. Some days it feels like it’s been ripped out of me. Some days it gets left out on my sleeve. Some days I just need to take it out, hold it high, and surrender it with a sacrifice of praise to the Lord.

It’s the long days. The busy days. The days that take more than they give. The ones that want to snatch your heart from deep in your chest. Those are the days when it’s a sacrifice to praise.

Even when you don’t feel like it, to lift your heart to the Lord and praise Him. Because even when nothing is going right, He is still good.

Even when you pour out your heart, and you keep pouring out your heart, and you maintain loyalty no matter how empty your heart may get from the pouring. Even when the days are hard and long and just don’t seem to end. Even when your heart gets left out, raw, exposed, bruised, and shattered. Even when…

Because when any of that may happen, God is still good. Because in that season, we have to choose to praise. Even when it’s not what we want to do. It’s the voluntary surrendering of the heart that will bring healing to all the other broken bits that all the other things brought on it.

I’ll keep pouring out. Days may take their toll. You might get more of me than you expected.

Even in all that, I need to choose to praise the Lord. To surrender my heart.

Without surrender. Without praise. Without trusting the One Who made my heart to hold it. Without any of that, I can’t “agape” others. Without any of that, I don’t think anyone can “agape” others. We have been commanded to “agape” (John 15:12-13). I choose to. (I am trying to do my best and am in the process of figuring out how to). Wholeheartedly.