September 18, 2019

This has been me today. Forgot my gym shorts and knee brace at home for my physical therapy appointment, after I’d made sure to put them where I would remember them. On my way out of work to go to my appointment I forgot to pick up my lunch bag that I’d just put next to me so I would pick it up.

If my head were not attached, I’m sure I would leave it somewhere, too! 🤦‍♀️

My executive functioning has resigned for the day, if not the week.

September 3, 2019

“All autistic people have a degree of disability – otherwise they would never have met the autism diagnostic criteria.”

*edit*

I posted this without personal comment, but wanted to add something.

I never thought of myself as disabled before I got my autism diagnosis. I have had trouble with thinking of myself as disabled even after, although I’ve read quite a bit of stuff from other autistics to support that.

I got my autism assessment and diagnosis as a result of struggling in several areas of my life. So it makes sense to me that it is somewhat disabling for me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with admitting that or owning it. I legitimately have trouble in certain areas of life because I’m autistic. So, yes, I do see autism as a disability.

September 2, 2019

Some days I think maybe I’m getting the hang of communicating with people. I’ve learned new things about how I communicate and how others communicate. I try to be open and up front about the differences in how I communicate, in all kinds of situations.

And I still fail.

People misunderstand my intentions behind the words I’m saying. I ask questions and it’s thought to be hostile or too probing, when I’m only trying to get more information.

I ask questions so I can understand. So I can get a picture in my head of what’s going on so I can see things from the other person’s perspective.

“Theory Of Mind” doesn’t work for me all the time. At least not well. Trying to see things from another’s perspective is like trying to look at scenery through a thick fog, or waiting on a picture to load on dial-up.

I’ve been interested in retro things lately, so let’s run with that imagery of dial-up and old computer systems.

Sure, I can run scenarios through my mental programming, and come up with all kinds of different outcomes to what I might say. But I can only really interpret the scenarios through how I might respond to the situation. If I know the person, I can add in things I know about them to the algorithm to better judge the outcome.

Since anxiety.exe is always running in the background of my mental CPU, it can skew the results of the “Theory Of Mind” program. I get all kinds of scenario results with the options “Abort Mission” or “What the heck? Try this and see what happens.”

Most times I end up clicking on “Abort Mission” and shutting down the program because social_anxiety.exe tends to make systems freeze.

If I get a favorable response to my questions or comments, that is like getting more data for the picture that’s loading over dial-up. It gets less pixelated, and the image is a higher resolution, and more details are visible.

I’m always trying to install new software or patches to the original programming to be able to get the “Theory of Mind” and “Social Conversations” programs to work better. There are still system errors or even bad files sent from other systems that cause things to not work properly.

Maybe some of this makes sense. Maybe it doesn’t. I’m going to go ahead and select “What the heck? Try this and see what happens.”

#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #openlyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #theoryofmind #slowprocessing #communicationstyles

July 29, 2019

I went to “garden of the gods” yesterday in southern Illinois with some friends. Had a great time and got to see some really neat views! I have horrible anxiety dealing with heights, and bad knees and balance, so I was kind of hesitant to go climbing about on the rocks. But I did it, and I had to get some pictures!

This picture kind of exemplifies what I have been feeling this weekend, too. It’s been a good weekend in real life, but online I had that last post go up with my “Now That You Know” writing and I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the response it’s gotten! I am so grateful for everyone who has read, reacted, and shared my post! It means so much to me! I cannot express how grateful I am for each of you!

July 22, 2019 (text only)

If I ever felt like I needed to do something as far as disclosure beyond what I’ve already done. I ask a lot of questions to clarify things in all kinds of situations, not just at work. I do the same to my mechanic, or working together with someone on a personal project like putting in flooring, or just planning to get together with a friend. A good chunk of the time, it feels like those questions aggravate the other person to the point they start replying with short and annoyed responses. However, communicating clearly is an important thing for me. Knowing what to expect and how to achieve the best result are difficult without the proper prior info before making a decision on what to do. I like to make informed decisions, not annoy people. It disappoints me that people get annoyed by questions intended to aid in understanding so easily.

July 22, 2019

Just a new word for your vocabulary. I don’t know. I didn’t google it so I don’t know if it actually already exists somewhere. This is my definition. I get so tired of dealing with anxiety some days. Add to that the symptoms of PMDD, and generally being female, with overly sensitive emotions, and suddenly something that shouldn’t get to you gets to you but not because of what it was, but because of all of the stuff that was already piling up over the days (or couple of weeks) before, and you end up a ball of tears for what seems to be no reason whatsoever to the onlooker. The proverbial straw that broke the camels back can be absolutely nothing related to the rest of the load, but it brings it all crashing down.

I’m writing this Sunday night, but it may still be valid for Monday morning when it goes up.

💜

[image description: dark brown typewriter font on a cardboard looking background]

[image text]

Anxietired

anx•i•e•tired

Exhaustion as a result of overwhelming apprehensive uneasiness, nervousness, or overthinking; especially when catastophizing.

[end image text]

July 10, 2019

Spoons.

Maybe some of you have heard of spoon theory. Maybe you haven’t. A quick Google search will give you more info about it than I can. I’ve heard some people use poker chips (Kati Morton), you might use something like a tank of gas as an illustration, etc. Basically it says that we all have a limited number of spoons that we start out with each day. As we do things, it may use one spoon, or two spoons, but if someone only starts the day with 7 spoons, their energy reserves will be depleted quickly. Some people start the day with a higher number of spoons, some don’t.

If you’re like me, you use a lot of real life spoons, which is why it’s so relatable! I have like 8 regular flatware spoons. I use one for my cup of coffee, one for my cereal, one to give the cats their wet food. I’m down three spoons and I’ve only just finished breakfast! You get the idea.

Our energy levels can be the same.

For someone with executive functioning challenges, anxiety, social struggles, etc, I can sometimes run out of spoons fairly easily. Someone living with chronic pain or some other chronic illness will probably run out of spoons a lot faster.

I recently took a week long vacation. I traveled a bit. But some days I only got out and did one or two things. I needed some restorative rest. I’d been running on fumes for a while, I’d been using all the other utensils that weren’t getting the job done. I needed that rest.

We were made to take time to rest. It’s important.

[Image text]

Some days all my spoons are in the sink

and I’ve moved on to the forks and knives

but they don’t handle things well.

– Nora W. – The Self Aware Autistic –

June 29, 2019

This was so me when I was a kid!!! I remember having a complete meltdown when I was like 4 years old because the socks felt dry and rough and I didn’t want to put them on my feet!! I still can’t stand anything line dried because it feels like that. Seams in socks are horrible for me! I will perpetually walk funny if I don’t have time to fix them or feel too embarrassed to stop and fix them! “The princess and the pea” is a fitting description. The smallest oddity of my clothing or something and it’s a sensory nightmare!

#Repost @happy_hands_toys with @get_repost

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#autismrocks #autismparent #autismdad #autismlove #autismmom #happyhandstoys

June 20, 2019

If I look like I’m having trouble hearing you, it’s probably because I’m also hearing all the other noises, too.

#Repost @nothingaboutmewithoutme with @get_repost

・・・

It’s hard for me to describe but this hits me right in the feels!!! I can easily pay attention to most things im surrounded by except for the person talking to me. #actuallyautistic #aspiesofinstagram #aspergersproblems #aspergerslife #aspergerssyndrome #autisticlife #autisticadults #autisticadult #autisticproblems #differentnotless #autismcommunity #neurodiverse #neurodivergent #nothingaboutuswithoutus

.end of reposted caption.

.adding my tags below.

June 13, 2019

Today marks one year since my intake appointment at BrainPower Neurodevelopmental Center to begin the evaluation process to see if I was actually on the autism spectrum.

Today marks one year since the beginning of a life changing journey.

I could say that it started earlier than that; in May of last year. I’d been seeing a therapist that I found through my works EAP program. The only problem with that was that I requested a Christian therapist, and the only one they had on their list was an older man who seemed to only want to tell me that everything was actually OK, that I couldn’t possibly be autistic, and talked a lot about himself and his own experiences… a lot. So he wasn’t all that helpful. (Pro tip: If you are looking for a Christian therapist, read some reviews on them first or something. Basically, make sure they are *competent*, and don’t just meet the “check mark” of being labeled a Christian. You can be a Christian and still be bad at your job!) Although I started the journey with that therapist initially, I stopped seeing him during the evaluation process at BrainPower. So I kind of see the meeting at BrainPower as the first major milestone after beginning this journey in May of last year.

In the weeks leading up to my intake appointment, I had feverishly studied and searched and read articles and listened to podcasts and watched YouTube videos about “Aspergers”. I had made lists of characteristics in my life that seemed to line up with it because things would be mentioned in whatever I was studying, and I just kept adding things to the list as they came up; so much stuff resonated with my experiences!

I had heard about BrainPower through a friend, and I had called to find out if they evaluated adults. I was afraid I wouldn’t find any place that did evaluations for adults because I had read online how difficult it is to get an evaluation. When I called them, and they said they do evaluations for adults, I was so relieved!

I came to the intake appointment, list in hand. It was strange for me. The facility obviously geared towards children, since that’s their primary demographic. I felt out of place as a lone adult in a waiting room of parents and grandparents all with children with them or waiting on them to finish an appointment. I was nervous. All kinds of what ifs running through my head.

Finally I was called back to an office where I talked with one of the therapists who was doing the intake assessment. I shared my list, practically talking too fast for the words to make sense. I was worried that maybe I seemed too normal. She asked me questions. I answered them, wondering if I was getting scored already; wondering how I was being perceived. I left the meeting and scheduled my next one.

I knew I had just taken a big step.

I was already impatient to get to the next meeting.

I wanted answers.

I wanted to know already.

It has been quite the journey since then.

A journey of discovery.

Of realization.

Of learning how God has created me.

Of healing.