November 23, 2019

I’ve been kind of absent here lately, and even on my personal socials. I’ve been liking and sharing things others have posted. But I’ve not been writing my own stuff. Not that I haven’t been writing. Most of that has just been personal stuff, or things I’ve shared with my therapist (I’ve shared a *lot* of stuff with my therapist lately.)

Keeping up online has taken a backseat to just dealing with life.

There’s been a lot of lack in communication related stuff in social situations. A lot of social anxiety. Not that you’d see my social anxiety much. I show up. I do things. I attempt to talk to people. Sometimes I can’t talk to people because my anxiety is too high. Even people I know well. (Maybe sometimes because I know someone well.) I have been hiding how difficult it’s been – masking both the autistic struggles, and the mental health struggles.

I’m still here, still writing. Just not finding the words or the right expression of things lately.

#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #openlyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder

November 6, 2019

It’s been a minute. I don’t remember when I last put up a writing of my own. A couple weeks or more.

I’ve hit a wall. Shutdown?

Whatever it is, I’ve not felt super inspired to write. I’ve not felt super inspired to do anything lately.

The seasons are shifting. Days are getting increasingly darker. My schedule for the things I do in my free time has been crammed and the free time has been lacking. Community has been lacking. Maybe TMI for some folks, but the [undiagnosed] PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) has been irritatingly bad.

It’s been just over a year since I launched my page. I didn’t have the energy or time to make a post about it on the day of last week or whenever it was. I’ve just been sharing content from others lately.

Words are not coming easily; Speaking or writing. Even outside of this blog.

I’m not really “high-functioning” right now. Going through the motions is more like it. Sticking with routine because I’m currently a space cadet. Routine is my tether that’s keeps me from floating off into nowhere. Routine and lists and calendar notifications. They keep me functioning at home and at work.

I’m sure I’ll be back to writing things again. For now I’ve needed that mental break from it.

October 21, 2019

Just throwing this out there, and I might be stepping on a land mine in doing so… (and mixing my metaphors, but such is the stream of consciousness in my brain right now)

Aspergers is a valid diagnosis.

Some people on the spectrum find meaning in the description of this diagnosis and identify as an aspie or aspergian, etc.

I support those who have this diagnosis or use this term. I was told that if I had been diagnosed when it was still in the DSM, that I would have been diagnosed with Aspergers. I am ok with that.

There is a lot of division in the autistic community regarding this term right now. However, for a community that doesn’t want people to tell them how to act, I’ve seen a lot of people trying to tell others how to act – and tearing them down instead of encouraging them. Our community faces enough hardships as it is. To be divided among itself is not a good thing.

If you have been diagnosed with Aspergers, call yourself an aspie or Aspergian, you are welcome here.

October 16, 2019

Or if you’re Christian, they don’t shout “self-care!”, they tell you, “You just need to spend more time with Jesus.”

Never mind that most people who say that are married, and humans were made to be in community and not lone-wolf it through life.

Not saying that Jesus isn’t good. He obviously is. And a relationship with Him is absolutely necessary. But from what I read of the Word, it isn’t the *only* relationship we’re supposed to have here on this earth. (Just listened to a podcast today about this very topic. If you want to check it out, click the link – https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-faith-mental-wellness-podcast-with-brittney-moses/id1268337036?i=1000412382244)

We just studied the book of Ruth at Bible study tonight, and the connection between Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi. What a wonderful picture of two women who deeply loved one another in friendship and as family!

The whole of Scripture points to relationships among people as integral parts of life, *alongside our relationship with God*.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4:9-10‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://www.bible.com/111/ecc.4.9-10.niv

This is the intersection of faith and mental health.

H/t Ingrid Wonders

October 12, 2019

It’s been a long week.

Various medical appointments.

Two trips to the local Fall Festival, which meant lots of walking, lots of eating, and a fair bit of sensory overload even though I enjoyed my time.

I love autumn weather, but it makes my head hurt.

When I got home from work yesterday I took a nap on my couch. I never take naps unless I absolutely cannot function anymore.

I’ve been in a bit of a grumpy mood today because of still not quite feeling with it today, physically or mentally.

So I’m putting aside the demands of the day. I’m not going anywhere. My house needs tended to. My cats require my presence. I need to spend time in prayer and in Scripture. I want to spend time being creative.

🔋🧠

October 10, 2019

Today is World Mental Health Day. I’m heading to my therapists office this evening to work on my own mental health. What are you doing for your mental health today?

October 8, 2019

“You have tough skin.”

The statement originally caught me off guard.

Mostly because no one has ever said that before. Because usually I can be described as “thin skinned”.

The context for this statement was receiving about 50 or so shots of allergens in my upper arm during an allergy test just to put on record what I already knew – I’m allergic to the outdoors and to my cats.

I know that being “thin skinned” is a metaphor regarding emotions and poor emotional regulation. I feel like with the work in therapy that I’ve been able to develop a bit of “tougher skin”.

I don’t think I reveal my emotions quite as much as I used to. Maybe not so quickly. It’s hard to suppress them sometimes. Maybe that’s not always a bad thing. Some of the anxiety has lessened a bit in some instances. Sometimes it’s still there.

I’m glad that my actual skin is pretty tough. The allergist said it was a good thing, too. I don’t mind being metaphorically “think skinned” as much as I used to. It’s just how I’m wired. And I’m beginning to be OK with that.

October 2, 2019

I recently asked on my personal Facebook page for people to comment their “irrational fears/phobias”. I got an array of responses from the usual spiders, the dark, heights, and tight spaces to things like balloons, boats, and the oddly specific things like the fear of being hit by a semi while driving.

I asked in another post what their reaction would be if someone told them they should confront their fear, or if someone forced them to confront it by putting them in a situation to do so. The responses were almost half with a resounding no, that they would not face their fear, and surprisingly the other half of those who responded said they would face their fear.

One eloquently stated:

“I guess if it’s a fear that hinders me from enjoying life more, then I would face it. Example: fear of commitment. But if we’re talking about my fear of spiders or something like that, I’m happy to stay right where I am!” ~Tara

I feel like I’ve done a fair amount of facing my fears. I’ve gotten outside my box many times. I have been part of a hiking club, I’ve gone biking by myself in a local state park, I went to a yoga class by myself, I made a Tres Dias weekend (three day Christian retreat) and then served on a weekend, I spoke at a Tres Dias meeting, I volunteer with the local autism resource group and greet the parents and kids at events, I’ve taught the women at church.

I still struggle with the fear of social situations because of social anxiety. Yes, I have faced it many times. Yes, it still scares me. It sometimes paralyzes me. The fear keeps me from approaching people, from speaking, from opening up, it makes me hesitate and stutter, and mumble my replies.

Sometimes I just need others to come along side, approach me, ask me questions, and be the ones who initiate getting together. My love language is quality time. That kind of sucks when you have social anxiety and you freeze up when you try to ask someone if they want to spend time with you. Sometimes it’s just helpful if the other person is the one to ask me.

For a few years I’ve been all about facing my fears, jumping into social situations, trying to prove myself. Sometimes it feels as though expectations are put on me, sometimes I put them on myself, sometimes I do it to please others. Sometimes doing that feels like if someone were to take that person who is afraid of spiders and make them stand there while tarantulas walk on them, or taking someone afraid of water and shoving them into a pool. There are times I can’t get past my “social phobia”, but still want to be included.

It is helpful if I’m not spending my social energy on the asking. Then I can use my social energy on being present, engaging in conversation, have the capacity to listen to others, and generally be more of myself.

September 29, 2019

I don’t usually wear nail polish, but for this I’ll make an exception. Color Street – Open Hearts design for Suicide Prevention.

#mentalhealthawareness #suicideprevention #mentalhealthisimportant #endthestigma #depressionandanxietyawareness #anxietyawareness #anxietyisreal #colorstreetopenhearts #colorstreet #mentalhealthmatters #youareloved #youmatter

September 25, 2019

This might seem random to some of you, and maybe far too conservative to others. I do not hide the fact that I am a Christian. I don’t usually comment on political things, though. I’m going to make an exception here and make a post directed to other Christians about a current hot button issue.

I’ve seen other Christians posting negative things about Greta Thunberg, an autistic environmental activist, because she talks about global warming, which they think is hokey and a leftist agenda and whatnot. I’ve seen people say negative things about her because of how she looks and acts. I’m not writing this solely because she is also autistic, but because of the way I’ve seen Christians commenting about her.

I would like to remind those who call themselves Christians that Greta is also made in the image of God and, as His creation, should not be treated with such uncalled for hatefulness, particularly by those who are called to love their “enemies” (stated in quotes because I don’t see her as an enemy, but it seems that many people think Christianity and caring for the environment are exclusive things that cannot at all be together in any way.)

Even though I believe that the end of the world will not be from global warming, but at the return of Jesus – as Christians we should be doing a far better job at stewarding this planet.

It breaks my heart to see this child mocked and ridiculed by keyboard warriors for standing up for a cause she believes in while those same people grumble about having to get up to go to church on a Sunday morning.