I took this photo yesterday evening as I sat in the waiting room at my therapist’s office. The receptionist had just told me, “You look so cute in your hat! I wish I could wear one and look that cute!” I somewhat bashfully thanked her for the compliment, and smiled. ☺️ It’s good to get those random compliments, especially when you don’t always feel that cute. I almost felt undeserving of the compliment. The receptionist has a look of elegance about her, really nice style choices, always kind, always a smile. I had just been thinking earlier yesterday about how my style choices are for comfort and never really look put together, how my hair was starting to look quite flat from being stuffed under the hat. Her compliment helped to quiet some of those negative thoughts I was having about how I looked, and made me smile. We don’t always see ourselves how others see us. I’m so glad she shared that with me.

#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #openlyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #yourautismmayvary

A world split apart

Strewn with broken hearts

Souls aching all around

Before the gauntlet hit the ground

What havoc wreaks

The words we speak

The blows were dealt

The bruises welt

The cuts so deep were not in flesh

But where heart and mind enmesh

Sticks and stones may break our bones

But words hurt worse when we are known

Can we count the cost

Before all is lost

Can we remove our pride

And not pick sides

Can we let love prevail

Over this felt betrayal

Can we work on healing

And deal with our feelings

Can we see that each is valid

Before relationships become pallid

Broken hearts can be mended

We cannot let this end us

You cannot educate others about your pain while deliberately trying to hurt someone else.

Hurting others does not heal you.

Have I mentioned this before?

I feel like I have.

Social anxiety makes it so hard to speak

Even when I want to

The words are locked in my throat

You might see my eyebrows move

As I try to form the words

I get stuck thinking

Like a record skipping

My jaw drops

My tongue moves

And I choke on the words

Dry and gravelly

Even when I’m with familiar people

Those I shouldn’t have any problem

Speaking around.

My brain loops

And I gaze at the ground

I can’t make eye contact

But I can still utter simple words and phrases

If you ask me a question

I might even use full sentences

But the things I want to say

They won’t come out

My mind is paralyzed by anxiety

Even when I want to speak

Language is not lost on me

I’m still having the conversation in my head

A million times

A million different endings

Like a power strip without a circuit breaker

Overloaded

Anxiety is electricity

The circuit is fried

#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #openlyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #yourautismmayvary

I finally got the chance to sit down and read this article. If you are involved in the hiring process for any type of work, please read this article!

I have always struggled with the interview process, and never knew why. I believe that God placed the right people in my path that saw the potential in me that the interview process was structured to not recognize.

I would study the questions the might be asked during interviews. I would draw upon my knowledge of what people wanted in an interview: strong handshake, proper posture, looking people in the eye. However my mind would mentally flail around looking for answers to the questions I was being asked. I didn’t know how to answer questions for situations I hadn’t been in. And if I had been in the situations before, my seemingly amazing memory would not be able to recall the events or be able to word them in a way that “blew my own horn” and would portray myself in an exceedingly positive light. I was raised to have such an attitude of humility to never boast about anything, even just declaring the things I had accomplished appeared as boasting in my mind because of this. I just do things and don’t see them as accomplishments, they’re just what I’m supposed to do. Right?!

I am thankful for those who saw beyond what the interview process allowed for.

I didn’t know I was autistic when I went through the interviews I have gone through. I just knew they were difficult for me. Knowing what accommodations I needed and how to ask for them might have helped me. At least I know now, and can ask for the things I need to help me fulfill my current tasks to my full potential.

An Autistic Hiring Manager Explains Neurodivergent Hiring

Neurodivergent Rebel

I’m not sure if this is progress or regress. I’ve gained back about 30 lb total since I started my weight loss journey in 2013. I’ve had life stuff going on and basically stopped caring about my eating habits and stuff. I’m back to trying to care about it a little more. I’m trying to be more active. I joined the local hiking club a few years ago and just last week signed up to actually organize hikes. So hopefully that will help my motivation to get out and move more. I’m going to yoga about once a week. I’m trying to get back into eating a bit healthier. It’s a long process. Not one that I’m unfamiliar with, however. It’s just getting back into the mindset of wanting to do it.

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#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #openlyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #yourautismmayvary #weightlossjourney #journeytowellness #beforeandafter #progressnotperfection

I haven’t been too active on social media in a while. It’s not that I haven’t been on. Though there are some days when I open up my apps and they’re showing me things from 3 days ago that I missed because it’s been that long since I was able to look at them for longer than two minutes.

I haven’t felt like interacting on social media for a while. I haven’t felt like interacting in real life with people for a while. Not that I haven’t wanted to. I just haven’t felt able to.

I’ve been bogged down, feeling blah for no good reason, feeling not good enough, unwanted, overlooked, not interesting enough, not important enough for anyone to want to spend time with me, that I can’t socialize like other people do so why would anyone want to spend time with me anyway. (Not that any particular thing has happened; It doesn’t take an event for my mind to tell me these things. That’s the funny thing about social anxiety. My brain usually tells me these things that prevents me from being social in the first place.)

When you keep getting that “I don’t want to spend time with you” vibe from people in various circles, it’s hard not to believe it across the board.

But then I have times like being invited to gather with friends who share an interest, or we have a shared experience, or we’re just good friends who don’t get to see each other that often. I’ve gotten together with family. This past weekend I got together with two friends at separate meals. They both made the effort to work out a time we could meet, and both took the initiative to make reservations at the places we were meeting in order to spend time with me. I also was asked to go to lunch with several people from church on Sunday.

These last few months have been a struggle. I’m starting to feel more hopeful again. I’ve been afraid to be hopeful lately. (If I expect to be disappointed then it shouldn’t be a surprise when something disappointing happens, or if I expect that I’ll screw something up then I shouldn’t be surprised when I do, right?)

I told my therapist this week that I’m beginning to feel tentatively hopeful, to which she replied, “Allow yourself to feel tentatively hopeful as much as you allow yourself to feel all the icky stuff.”

I’m working on it.

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#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #openlyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #yourautismmayvary

Very much a visual person!

I spent a good chunk of today reading instructions for a training thing at work. Nearly died trying to interpret all of the info about different systems and processes into pictures my brain could understand! (Ok, that might be an exaggeration, but it wasn’t fun!) Screenshots, video walkthoughs (with audio and subtitles!!), or actual hands on learning is best for me! I thought about trying the accessibility options to have the documents read to me, but I didn’t want to mess with headphones and such. I was also afraid it would read all extra stuff on the page that I didn’t need it to read.

At work I also keep a physical calendar on my desk to have my days visually in front of me. I keep sticky notes where I can see them.

At home I have way too much stuff out most of the time just so I don’t forget that it exists.

I make notes on my phone and set up calendar events to remind myself of things, but I also write on my hand if I need something that day and I keep forgetting it. I need that visual reminder of things! I feel like the guy in the movie Memento sometimes!

Being able to see things, even representations of things or time or schedules, helps me keep track of myself.

It’s the last day of 2019. I don’t have any grand reflection to post. I don’t have a bunch of goals to share. I’m looking forward to the “new start” that the new year signifies. I do have some things I’m hoping for. I’m hoping to pray more, to create more, to spend time with people more, to share more, to heal more, to get closer to being who God has created me to be. Happy New Year.

I’ve been reflecting on this past year. Some really cool stuff has happened. I started going to yoga. I volunteered with the local autism nonprofit. I joined the board of the local autism nonprofit. I spoke about autism and my diagnosis on the spectrum and how God moved through that at a Tres Dias meeting. I started a podcast with a friend. I went to a Hanson concert 4 hours away, by myself, and drove home after it was over.

I’ve still had challenges. A lot of anxiety. Sometimes it is hard to see past that struggle and see the places of courage – which my therapist pointed out those courageous things I mentioned above, because I was so focused on the things I’ve struggled with.

I’m still reflecting and may have more thoughts before the end of the year/decade. But for now, here is a poem I wrote as I was reflecting this week.

:Reflections:

I’m afraid to look back on this whole year

What I didn’t do’s all I can show here

I’m afraid to reflect, to look in reverse

I’m afraid to remember all of my hurts

I’ve never been in a fist fight

But I’ll beat myself up all night

Anxiety attacking me and telling me lies

I wish you could see what goes on in my mind

My thoughts are not relevant

My heart they don’t benefit

Don’t tell me to get a grip

You think I enjoy this?!

Wear my heart on my sleeve, beaten and broken

I’m putting it all in these words I have spoken

A battlefield

These wounds are real

Too much I feel

Why can’t I heal?

Knuckles busted

Armor’s rusted

Defense is up

But I am down

On my knees

Can’t appease

I think I might

End this fight

It’s been a hard year, a few bright spots

But I keep falling into the things I’m not

All the negativity wish I could erase

I don’t often wear joy on my face

Been praying but feel like I gave up

I still pray but think is it enough?

My faith it has faltered

When my mind is assaulted

The enemies lies

My unending cries

Why? Why? Why?

I keep hearing if I had more faith

Then things wouldn’t look this way

I want to trust

They say I must

Maybe I should

I wish I could

This year’s been better but I’m still broke down

Looking to next year, is there hope now?

On the battlefield bloody and wounded

Can there ever be any improvement?

Am I stuck in these trenches

Of anxiety relentless?

Will I ever find healing

From all of these feelings?

#theselfawareautistic #actuallyautistic #openlyautistic #autisticadult #differentnotless #autismspectrumdisorder #aspergers #aspergirl #autisticwoman #autismawareness #autismacceptance #autismspectrum #asd #neurodiversity #adultswithautism #mentalhealthawareness #endthestigma #anxietydisorder #writer #poem #spokenword