May 3, 2020

I feel like I have finally gotten used to the rhythm of quarantine.

Now the state is opening up slowly. But is it slow enough? Will people really continue to use masks and social distancing? Will people still wash their hands regularly?

I was already a germaphobe before all this went down. I am even more anxious when I leave the house now.

I already had a change of clothes for when I come home at night. I still have to shower before I can put on pajamas and go to bed. I don’t wear my pj’s I wear to bed around the house. They are only for wearing in bed.

I didn’t like to work from home before all this happened. When I started working from home in March, I contacted my internet service provider and they came out and replaced some of the equipment which made my internet connection more stable, so I am able to do everything from home that I could in the office. The sad thing is that all of this happened right after I finally got two monitors to use at work instead of just the one, so now I’ve been back to a single monitor at home!!

I struggle with loneliness and isolation a lot already. But it’s lately felt safer and more comfortable than going out, only because the degree of anxiety for going out is so much higher than the feelings and emotions I experience with loneliness and isolation.

I am anxious about this “return to normal”. There’s too many unknown variables that I can’t plan for. My anxiety is usually pretty if/then oriented. It follows a flow chart. There is no flow chart for this. I don’t want to allow myself to become agoraphobic, but it feels like that’s where I am right now.

I feel like the next coming weeks are going to be just as difficult as this last month and a half have been. Especially since there are so many things changing again.

I don’t know how to handle all of this. I haven’t been handling it well.

I am thankful for those people who have reached out to me when I haven’t been able to reach out to them during this time. I’m thankful for those who have made the effort to communicate, and those I haven’t talked to very much before this making time to reach out during this strange situation. I’m thankful for what time I’ve been able to spend with family that has also been socially distancing.

I have been in a place of surviving instead of thriving. I haven’t been able to show how much I care for others during this time because I’ve been paralyzed by anxiety and trying to make it through the days that have just been busy to the point of exhaustion. My executive functioning has been even worse than usual, and it isn’t great to begin with.

I’m still bogged down with anxiety. Almost more so now, because of all the unknowns with “reopening” the state, so different businesses are going to have different levels of being open, and it’s just too much to try to figure out. I don’t quite feel comfortable “out there” yet.

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